My Year With The Mouse

Before I started this blog, I would have told you that there’s only one fortune teller in Disneyland and it’s Esmeralda at the Penny Arcade on Main Street. But now I know better! Not only is there the genie lamp in Adventureland (who told me I was going to win the Superbowl–I want my 50 cents back), there’s also Fortune Red in New Orleans Square. He’s an old pirate hidden away by the Pieces of Eight shop.

The skull on the top is my favorite part

Fortune Red looks pretty much exactly like the other pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, if the other pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean were unceremoniously chopped in half and shoved into a glass box.

"Yar, it's a little claustrophobic in here"

Just like the other pirates in the Pirates of the Caribbean, he fixes you with his unearthly stare as his head kind of moves back and forth with no apparent purpose other than “thanks for putting 50 cents in!” His finger hovers over his map and makes hasty jerking motions, as if he really wanted to tell you where the treasure is but he can’t quite remember himself. And over all this, a short version of “A Pirate’s Life for Me” plays.

It’s all kind of odd, really.

And then your fortune pops out.

This reminds me of a parking ticket dispenser

I used my cell phone to take a picture of my fortune:

"In your future, I see you typing all of this out for your blog..."

It says:

FORTUNE RED has this to say: Ye sails yer ship with a steady helm and a weather eye out fer the luff o’ the sails. Though lackin’ in formal book learnin’, ’tis with a will ye worked to develop a keen mind. Ye would leave no sail furled to help a mate in need, and the deeds o’ yer generous nature sparkle like the twinklin’ lights at Disneyland on a warm summer night. Devoted, ye be, to yer kin–but b’lay! Ye may be generous to a fault. Mark well me words: Generosity consists less in givin’ much, than in givin’ wisely.

I’m not 100% sure what this is, but I think I’m flattered? I sail my ship with a steady helm, okay. I’m lacking in formal book learning–hmmm, I have a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree, and will complete another master’s in July (provided I survive to the end of the semester), so I’d say Mr. Red has some pretty high standards there. Also I’m a snob and an elitist. And also, I’m helpful to friends in need and my generosity lights up the night like a million iterations of the Main Street Electrical Parade (paraphrasing). However, perhaps I should give less and give wisely.

I’m trying to think of something profound to say here, but Mr. Red has left me kind of uninspired.

But just when I was tempted to regret spending my 50 cents, I flipped the card over:

A brief history of pirate flags

Yes, in case you’re not satisfied with your rather ill-suited fortune (except the part about my generosity lighting up the sky like the 9:25pm showing of Remember…Dreams Come True) (paraphrasing), you get a brief lesson in the Jolly Roger. Or as the card puts it, the JOLLY ROGER. From the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN.

And also some pirate quick tips:

When the skull and crossbones flew from the maintopmast of a pirate ship, it was an indication to the intended victims that they were willing to give quarter. If they were opposed, it was replaced with the bloody red flag which meant: No mercy.

So no red flag means you’ve still got a shot. And also, how much do I love the word “maintopmast”? Can we bring that back into standard usage, please?