The award goes to…

#7 Last Christmas (Wham!)

First I have to say that I almost didn’t include this because of the sheer awesomeness of the video. I mean, the video encompasses everything that the 80s had to offer hair. The mullets are top-notch, especially George Michael’s, and the bangs and perms on the ladies are classic. There’s even a woman sporting a David Bowie ‘do!

(sorry for the ad there)

But in the end, the song did make the cut because it’s so frequently played on the radio.

Now let’s deconstruct this. The chorus goes:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special

Okay, I guess I can get onboard with that, although if it’s been a year, it’s kind of well beyond time to get over it.

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye

Nothing I love more than a good cliche.

Tell me baby, do you recognize me?
Well, it’s been a year, that doesn’t surprise me

Here’s where we start getting problematic. So you gave her your heart (whatever that means) and a year later she doesn’t recognize you?  Are you, like, some creepy stalker guy or something?

Whispered: Merry Christmas
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying, “I love you,” I meant it

Well we know you did not literally wrap your heart up and send it (with a note), so what exactly is “it”? What, did you go all Vincent Van Gogh on her?

Now I know what a fool I’ve been
But if you kiss me now
I know you’ll fool me again

Okay. Dude. She either doesn’t remember you or she wants you to think she doesn’t remember you (see above). Neither one of these is going to result in a kiss, so I think you’re pretty safe here.

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I’m hiding from you and your soul of ice

Oh SNAP!

My God I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

Okay, so you’re the shoulder to cry on. So this breakup thing–was it along the lines of “It’s not you, it’s me” or was it “I love you like a brother”?  And if you were some kind of shoulder to cry on, why doesn’t she remember you? Did she sustain a head injury that resulted in amnesia or something?

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart

Very poetic, but I’m not quite following you here.

Now I’ve found a real love you’ll never fool me again

Whoa whoa WHOA, buddy. You’ve found a real love, so you’re going out with someone else? I mean okay, but does she know you’re still carrying a torch for this other girl? Plus “you’ll never fool me again”??? One chorus ago you were lamenting that if she kissed you now then you WOULD be fooled again. Talk about wishy-washy–I’m kind of seeing why she dumped your butt last Christmas.

And then there’s a couple more choruses, the poetic lines, and the thing about next year I’ll give it to someone special. Let me just put this plainly–have you considered counseling? Because the relationship described in the song is not a healthy one. Pining for a year over someone who was your girlfriend for a day? Not that I don’t empathize with getting dumped the day after Christmas when everyone’s hitting the mall for the 1/2 off sales, but seriously. Get a grip.

Although the tune is quintessentially 80s, I’m going to have to put this baby at #7.

PS. George Michael, I think you’re going to have better luck with the dudes next year.