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And without further adieu…

#3 Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas

Now let me say right off the bat that I am a huge John Denver fan. HUGE. I know, right? I think it’s all of those summers spent at Girl Scout camp singing about our Rocky Mountain High or something. Anyway, I love John Denver. So many moons ago when I found a John Denver Christmas album, I was totally excited.

And am still excited, except for one song: Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas.

Now as far as my internet research goes, this song was first recorded by the aforementioned John Denver, although Alan Jackson and at least one other group did a cover.

Which begs the question, why do a cover of THIS?

I mean really–start with the title. Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas. You’d kind of think that this song doesn’t have anywhere to go but up, or maybe it’s a joke song or something, but no, this is about the narrator exhorting his father to not become inebriated this Christmas.

The chorus is:

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Momma cry
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Momma cry

See, the chorus has to repeat itself there, because the first time you hear it you’re like “Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas? I don’t wanna see my Momma cry? Surely I misheard that” but then it’s repeated and no, you haven’t misheard anything.

The song then continues:

Just last year when I was only seven
Now I’m almost eight, as you can see

Funny how eight follows seven, and this is a song and you’re a grown man singing it, so not, I can’t “see” that this year you’re almost eight.

You came home, quarter past eleven
fell down underneath our Christmas tree

 Nice. The only thing that would make this better is if Daddy were wearing a Santa suit.

The chorus then continues, carrying on the song and, just in case you might still be doubting what they’re singing, repeats itself.

Momma smiled and looked outside the window
told me “Son, you better go upstairs”

What, the window is going to be some kind of decoy? Obviously the dad’s in the habit of coming home late and passing out drunk underneath the Christmas tree, Easter basket, 4th of July flag, and probably any number of other holidays. So what is Momma doing looking out the window? Searching for Santa? Or maybe the cops?

Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas”
I turned around and saw my Momma’s tears

 Okay, for real, dude. Not only are you stumbling into the house in the middle of the night crashing in the living room, you’re then hollering “Merry Christmas” in what could easily be described as the irony of the century in that household, given that the child has now begged you not to do this and predictably, Momma cries, and there’s just no way this is going to be a happy Christmas morning at the rate this is going. I mean seriously, Dad. Couldn’t you just HOLD IT TOGETHER for one night at Christmas?

Then in case you might have forgotten what the song is, the chorus is repeated a couple more times, and that’s the end.

What makes this song so unbelievably baffling is its lack of clues as to its context. Like, “I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas” is supposed to be cute and for kids, and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” while tasteless, is clearly a comedic song, but this one–Denver sings it with a complete straight face in the middle of his Christmas album, nestled right in between “Silver Bells” and “Christmas for Cowboys.” (both of which are perfectly lovely songs, by the way). I mean, we can only hope he was kidding here, but it doesn’t come across that way. It just comes across creepy.

Earning itself #3 on my list.

Countdown:
#10 Santa Baby (Madonna)

#9 Jingle Bells by the Singing Dogs

#8 Feliz Navidad

#7 Last Christmas (Wham!)

#6 The Chipmunk Song/I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas

#5 The Chanukah Song (original version) by Adam Sandler

#4 Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer