This one goes in the “are you kidding me???” category:
#2 Do They Know It’s Christmas (by various celebrity do-gooders)
I’ve said it before–I’m a child of the 80s, and I love 80s music. LOVE. But you know, there’s some really bad stuff floating around out there, and this song is one of them.
Do They Know It’s Christmas was recorded by a group of British and Irish pop stars as a part of Band Aid (the name always cracks me up) to raise money for famine relief. Recorded in 1984, it represented an era of rock stars who thought that getting a bunch of famous people together and singing a song could eradicate world hunger (see also: “We Are the World” and “Hands Across America”).
This song is truly awful, but it does have two good things going for it: 1) it apparently raised a lot of money, so, yay! and 2) the video is unbelievably awesome:
And first, a few notes about the video. It’s a real trip down memory lane seeing some of those faces. Boy George’s shoulder pads are so huge he probably had to turn sideways to get through doorways. The hairstyles are, as always, classic 80s (and I’m personally convinced that the 80s is in a large part responsible for the hole in the ozone layer due to its massive overuse of Aqua Net, and I don’t exclude myself here). George Michael sings, which marks his second appearance on Shelby’s Worst Christmas Songs like. George, just stick to non-holiday music, okay? And even among this group of highly talented and fashionable men, George Michael STILL has the best mullet.
My heart melted a little at the sight of all of the original members of Duran Duran. I went to one of their concerts in the last few years where they’d replaced a few members and oh my god, it was horrible. So seeing Duran Duran in its original configuration was wonderful. Over there on the drums was Phil Collins, which prompted me to think “Dude, he didn’t have any hair all the way back in 1984???” And seriously–Sting? STING! He looks so young! I mean, I know it’s almost 30 years later (!) but Sting looks like a toddler version of himself in this video, and according to my lazy research, he was 33 at the time of taping. It’s awesome to see a young Bono too.
But that’s where my praise of the song ends.
Because really, let’s take a good look at it.
It’s Christmas time
There’s no need to be afraid
At Christmas time
We let in light, and we banish shade
Okay, that’s no so bad.
And in our world of plenty
we can spread a smile of joy
throw your arms around the world
at Christmas time
Yes! Every Christmas I just want to give the whole world a great big hug!
But say a prayer
pray for the other ones
at Christmas time, it’s hard
but when you’re having fun
There’s a world outside your window
and it’s a world of dreaded fear
Oh god, that’s cheery!
Where the only water flowing
is a bitter sting of tears
Okay, yes, Africa (specifically Ethiopia) was, at the time, experiencing a horrific drought, but Africa is a BIG continent.
And the Christmas bells that ring there
are the clanging chimes of doom
Clanging chimes of doom? Seriously?
Well tonight thank God it’s them
instead of you
Whoa, whoa, whoa–wait a minute here. Thank god it’s them instead of me? Like every year, right after I declare I want to give the whole wide world a big hug, I think “Thank God, there are starving people in Africa…and I’m not one of them!!” yep, that sounds about right.
And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time
the greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Again, Africa = Big Place. There may not be snow in the flat lands of Ethiopia, but that doesn’t mean there’s no snow at all. And isn’t life the greatest gift we ALL get?
Where nothing ever grows
no rain or rivers flow
do they know it’s Christmas time at all?
No rain or rivers flow? Except, like, the NILE??? You know, the longest river in the world? And do they know it’s Christmas? Do YOU know they’re not all Christians?
Here’s to you
raise your glass for everyone
Here’s to them
underneath that burning sun
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?
The real question is, do they care? No, because they’re all dying.
Feed the world
Let them know it’s Christmas time
(repeat several times)
Or, I have an idea–how about we just feed them every day of the year? Like “Hey, here’s some rice, since you’re a human being enduring unimaginable suffering” instead of “Hey, here’s some rice–Merry Christmas!”
Perhaps my favorite part of this whole story is that Bob Geldof, one of the people who wrote the song, now completely hates it. My favorite quote:
He said: ‘I am responsible for two of the worst songs in history. One is Do They Know It’s Christmas? and the other one is We Are The World.
‘Any day soon, I will go to the supermarket, head to the meat counter and it will be playing. Every ****ing Christmas.’
Heh. So why do people keep playing it, and an even bigger question–why do people keep re-recording it???
Do me a Christmas favor and retire this one.
#10 Santa Baby (Madonna)
#9 Jingle Bells by the Singing Dogs
#8 Feliz Navidad
#7 Last Christmas (Wham!)
#6 The Chipmunk Song/I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas
#5 The Chanukah Song (original version) by Adam Sandler
#4 Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
#3 Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas