Now let me say right off the bat that I am a huge John Denver fan. HUGE. I know, right? I think it’s all of those summers spent at Girl Scout camp singing about our Rocky Mountain High or something. Anyway, I love John Denver. So many moons ago when I found a John Denver Christmas album, I was totally excited.
And am still excited, except for one song: Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas.
Now as far as my internet research goes, this song was first recorded by the aforementioned John Denver, although Alan Jackson and at least one other group did a cover.
Which begs the question, why do a cover of THIS?
I mean really–start with the title. Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas. You’d kind of think that this song doesn’t have anywhere to go but up, or maybe it’s a joke song or something, but no, this is about the narrator exhorting his father to not become inebriated this Christmas.
The chorus is:
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Momma cry
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Momma cry
See, the chorus has to repeat itself there, because the first time you hear it you’re like “Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas? I don’t wanna see my Momma cry? Surely I misheard that” but then it’s repeated and no, you haven’t misheard anything.
The song then continues:
Just last year when I was only seven
Now I’m almost eight, as you can see
Funny how eight follows seven, and this is a song and you’re a grown man singing it, so not, I can’t “see” that this year you’re almost eight.
You came home, quarter past eleven
fell down underneath our Christmas tree
Nice. The only thing that would make this better is if Daddy were wearing a Santa suit.
The chorus then continues, carrying on the song and, just in case you might still be doubting what they’re singing, repeats itself.
Momma smiled and looked outside the window
told me “Son, you better go upstairs”
What, the window is going to be some kind of decoy? Obviously the dad’s in the habit of coming home late and passing out drunk underneath the Christmas tree, Easter basket, 4th of July flag, and probably any number of other holidays. So what is Momma doing looking out the window? Searching for Santa? Or maybe the cops?
Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas”
I turned around and saw my Momma’s tears
Okay, for real, dude. Not only are you stumbling into the house in the middle of the night crashing in the living room, you’re then hollering “Merry Christmas” in what could easily be described as the irony of the century in that household, given that the child has now begged you not to do this and predictably, Momma cries, and there’s just no way this is going to be a happy Christmas morning at the rate this is going. I mean seriously, Dad. Couldn’t you just HOLD IT TOGETHER for one night at Christmas?
Then in case you might have forgotten what the song is, the chorus is repeated a couple more times, and that’s the end.
What makes this song so unbelievably baffling is its lack of clues as to its context. Like, “I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas” is supposed to be cute and for kids, and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” while tasteless, is clearly a comedic song, but this one–Denver sings it with a complete straight face in the middle of his Christmas album, nestled right in between “Silver Bells” and “Christmas for Cowboys.” (both of which are perfectly lovely songs, by the way). I mean, we can only hope he was kidding here, but it doesn’t come across that way. It just comes across creepy.
I have now learned that this song is very divisive. People who love it, really love it, and people who hate it, really hate it. Obviously I fall in the latter category. Oddly enough, my very own grandmother loves this song. I think she has fond memories of the time when I was about 10 years old and, along with my cousins, serenaded Grandma with this song.
What was I thinking???
Anyway, there are so many things wrong with this song, it’s best to take it line by line.
The song starts out okay–wait, what am I saying? The song starts out terribly:
Chorus:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
walking home from our house Christmas Eve
you can say there’s no such thing as Santa
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe
Okay, this isn’t going anywhere good. A homicidal Santa in a sleigh pulled by reindeer with a major grudge against the elderly does not bode well.
She’d been drinking too much eggnog
Yet you let her try to walk home alone?
And we begged her not to go
Well it sure doesn’t look like you begged very hard.
But she forgot her medication
so she staggered out the door into the snow
Okay, so we’ve got a drunk, staggering Grandma who forgot her medication, which is so vital it required walking home in a snowstorm. Which then begs the question, should she even be mixing alcohol and that medication in the first place?
When we found her Christmas morning
at the scene of the attack
Not only were you completely ineffective at begging her not to go, you don’t even notice or think to check whether she, like, made it okay? I mean, she staggered out drunk and unmedicated. You’d think that would raise some kind of alarm when she didn’t return.
She had hoofprints on her forehead
So blunt force trauma, then?
And incriminating claws/Claus marks on her back
Seriously, I hate puns.
Then there’s the chorus.
Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa
he’s been taking this so well
sitting in there watching football
drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel
At this point I’m kind of wondering whether Grandma’s untimely departure was actually deliberate. Maybe it’s not Santa who’s the real killer here.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma
all the family’s dressed in black
Oh yeah, NOW you care.
and we just can’t help but wonder
should we open up her gifts or send them back?
Well this seems pretty obvious to me, given a big bunch of people who couldn’t even have bothered to turn around and be like “Hey, has anyone seen Grandma lately?”
And the chorus again.
Now the goose is on the table
and the pudding made of fig
and the blue and silver candles
that would just have matched the hair in Grandma’s wig
So speaking of Grandma’s wig, should we draw lots or play rocks scissors paper for it?
I warned all my friends and neighbors
better watch out for yourselves
they should never give a license
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves
Dude, your grandmother just DIED. Is this REALLY the time for jokes about her murderer?
And then the chorus twice.
The narrator bugs me too. So he’s like a kid (or adult child, whatever) and somehow he and Grandpa are the only ones who believe that Grandma was killed by blunt force reindeer even though they all supposedly found the body the next morning? I just get this image of Grandpa and the narrator with his siblings and cousins. In my head they’re young, and Grandpa’s like “well kids, it must have been Maw Maw’s time to go” and then he’s all telling them about how Santa didn’t even swerve, and the narrator’s like “yeah, yeah, it’s true!” and the other kids are like “Give me a break–you’re just sucking up to Grandpa now that Grandma’s dead.” Boy, that sure gets me into the Christmas spirit.
Now I know this song is supposed to be over-the-top humorous, but I just really hate it.
You know one of the things I love most about this blog? All that great stuff I learn from YOU! *clap clap*
First, for everyone including myself longing for a good Spanish-language replacement song for Feliz Navidad, my dear friend Lyn writes:
This Sunday (December 18), my co-host on “Los Vientos del Pueblo” is featuring alternative Christmas songs from Latin America and Spain. I won’t be there this week but he has found many, many more to replace “Feliz Navidad.” Anyone who’s interested can listen to the program online, livestreamed, at http://www.wrpi.org from 2-6 pm Eastern Time on Sunday, December 18. That would be 11 am-3 pm your time. The Christmas song segment will run in the last half of the program; the first half is a tribute to Spanish/Catalan singer/songwriter Joan Manuel Serrat.
So, MYWTMousers, get ready for some awesome Christmas music on Sunday!
I have also learned a great deal about Adam Sandler’s Chanukah song. For starters, my friend noted that Neil Diamond did a cover of the song, and suggested my dislike of the song might be Adam Sandler himself, not the actual song. Well I’m pleased to say that I looked up the Neil Diamond version, and…it is eleventy billion times better than the original. Which shouldn’t be surprising to me, because I just dislike Adam Sandler in general. So much like Madonna’s version of Santa Baby, my dislike of this song may very well be limited to Sandler’s original version.
Here’s Neil:
Although a note on Madonna’s Santa Baby, another reader let me know that Michael Buble did a version called Santa Buddy. Not really being a Buble fan, I had to go look it up and oh my god, I will never be able to unhear that. Michael Buble may have just supplanted Maddona in Worst Version, and that was a pretty high bar, ladies and gentlemice. A pretty high bar.
I guess we’ll have to wait until next year to see.
Anyway, friend Lyn also points out:
In its various versions, it still remains the favorite song of my seventh graders who take pride in the naming of the Jewish celebrities. Adam Sandler is a major reason why my students today (and for the past ten years) say that among their peers being Jewish is considered “cool.”
So seriously–I can’t too harshly diss any song that makes seventh graders feel proud of their heritage, because seventh grade SUCKS and if that’s a positive message, then yay! And apologies to any seventh grade Jews I may have offended.
I’m going to guess they don’t prefer the Neil Diamond version.
But I still hate Adam Sandler.
Lyn also pointed out that Sandler has updated the song since the original. I was able to find Parts 2 and 3.
Part 2:
Part 3, and I love the kid’s choir in this one:
And on a side note, it’s crazy the kind of stuff you find on Youtube.
Anyway, I’ll admit I giggled at some parts of 2 and 3.
Curse you, sharp-eyed readers!!! Life was so much easier when I just hated one song!
And here we are at #5. I know it’s not Chanukah yet, but I thought I’d throw this one in here right now.
Yes, it’s Chanukah Song by Adam Sandler.
Seriously, I don’t know how it happened, but this became the popular anthem of Chanukah for non-Jews. Like, it’s the only Chanukah song we non-Jews know, aside from Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel.
And it’s awful.
If you haven’t heard it, please don’t click on the above link. Actually, don’t click on the above link anyway. I don’t even know why I put it there. I guess I felt obligated to include the actual song somewhere.
Basically what it is, is Adam Sandler (who is Jewish) lists names of celebrities who are also Jewish and thus celebrating Chanukah. With the clever and catchy refrain, “Put on your yarmulke, it’s time for Chanukah.” It’s full of funny and up-to-date jokes, like a line about OJ Simpson (not a Jew, and also it’s not the 1990s anymore). And also Adam Sandler is a comedian, not a singer, so his singing is like Bob Dylan except that Bob Dylan was actually, like, talented and could sing in his own special way. So basically nothing like Bob Dylan. And not only is Adam Sandler a bad singer, he’s also a bad comedian. It’s the worst of all worlds.
I actually vastly prefer this fun cover by the Maccabeats, and wish it could become the official Chanukah song. Plus it’s a cool video.
My Year With The Mouse 