Raise your hand if you saw this one coming. Everyone? Yeah, okay.
I can’t even begin to list the number of things wrong with this song, but I’m going to have to try, of course. The sheer cheesiness of the song should be enough to make my list, but it’s the kind of song that just gets worse and worse and worse.
If you haven’t heard it (and I don’t know how that can be humanly possible), there’s the narrator and he’s all hurrying to buy those last minute Christmas gifts when he sees a young boy in front of him trying to buy a pair of ladies shoes because his mother is dying and he wants her to look beautiful as she meets Jesus. Predictably, the boy cannot afford said shoes, so the narrator generously pays for them and then learns the true meaning of Christmas, which is apparently buying shoes for a dying woman.
Not only is this an awful song–apparently it’s a made-for-tv movie. Seriously.
I mean, why? WHY?
Let’s break it down.
It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
tryin’ to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Okay, I can empathize. I’ve been purposely avoiding the mall lately. As if I hung out at the mall before. I didn’t. but I’m certainly not going to start now.
Standing right in front of me
was a little boy waiting anxiously pacin’ around like little boys do
and in his hands he held a pair of shoes
Okay, weird.
His clothes were old and worn
he was dirty from head to toe
and when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say
I’m going to interrupt you for a second here. First of all, we’re dealing with a Tiny Tim ragamuffin. And I’ll just tell you what he’s going to say is that he can’t afford the shoes. Now the song doesn’t get to that part until the next verse, but “I couldn’t believe what I heard him say” is like–really? You didn’t see that coming? Like what do you THINK he’s going to say? “Excuse me, are these ladies shoes part of the buy-one-get-one promotion? Can I throw in a sensible pair of sneakers?” No, because we’re talking about Tiny Tim, right?
(chorus)
“Sir I want to buy these shoes
for my Mama please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size”
What kid knows his mother’s shoe size? I’m a fully grown woman and I have no idea what my mother’s shoe size is. 7 maybe?
“You see, she’s been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes would make her smile, and I want her to look beautiful when Mama meets Jesus tonight”
Oh, so many issues. So Mama’s been sick and she’s pretty much going to die tonight. The shoes will make her smile. Okay, that’s admirable. But, like, save the receipt, know what I’m sayin’? And also this thing about Jesus–I mean look, I don’t pretend to be a 100% expert on Jesus, but I’m pretty sure He thinks you’re beautiful no matter what kind of footwear you’re wearing.
He counted pennies for what seems like years
You’ve just heard that this kid wants to buy these shoes for his dying mother, and you’re impatient because he’s counting pennies???
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
Cold-hearted jerk.
He searched his pockets frantically then he turned and looked at me He said “Mama made Christmas good in our house though most years she just did without tell me, sir, what am I gonna do somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes”
For starters, the cashier must be a real ass if he’s going to cut this kid off after already hearing his sob story. I mean, call a manager and comp the kid or something. He’s clearly not got the money and really, would he really scam the store for a pair of ladies shoes?
So I laid the money down I just had to help him out
Now here’s another thing with this song. Why is this guy so self-congratulatory that he helped this kid out? I mean, of course you helped him out. If you didn’t, that would make you as big of a Scrooge as the cashier.
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said “Mama’s going to look so great”
It’s nice that he wants his dying mother to look great, but with shoes???
Sir I want to buy these shoes, for my Mama please it’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size can you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time you see, she’s been sick for quite a while and I know these shoes would make her smile and I want her to look beautiful when Mama meets Jesus tonight
Oh, it’s the ghastly chorus again! The death is imminent, so why is the kid shopping on Christmas Eve, for crying out loud? Who deliberately goes shopping on Christmas Eve? And did he set out to find a pair of shoes? Or were they an impulse purchase? And also, Jesus doesn’t care about your footwear. The dude wore sandals.
I knew I’d caught a glimpse of Heaven’s love as he thanked me and ran out I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me just what Christmas is all about
SHOES FOR A DYING MOTHER IS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT????? And like what, God said “this guy needs to be more selfish and get into the giving spirit. I could send him a copy of Charles Dickens ‘A Christmas Carol,’ or I can kill off this little boy’s mom and send the kid out for a pair of shoes for another stranger to buy”? That’s kind of an awful lesson. You know what would be a good lesson? If the narrator were like “okay, here’s the money for the shoes, and you know what? I’m really sorry to hear about your mom and obviously your family needs some help–let’s swing by the grocery store and get a bag of food for y’all, okay?”
Or you can just buy the shoes.
And then they repeat the chorus, in case you forgot that when you meet Jesus, he’s going to look down and your feet and say, “Girlfriend–Crocs are ugly. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
The schmaltz factor is agonizing. Truly agonizing. In fact, the whole song is agonizing. So agonizing that it reaches #1 on my list.
This one goes in the “are you kidding me???” category:
#2 Do They Know It’s Christmas (by various celebrity do-gooders)
I’ve said it before–I’m a child of the 80s, and I love 80s music. LOVE. But you know, there’s some really bad stuff floating around out there, and this song is one of them.
Do They Know It’s Christmas was recorded by a group of British and Irish pop stars as a part of Band Aid (the name always cracks me up) to raise money for famine relief. Recorded in 1984, it represented an era of rock stars who thought that getting a bunch of famous people together and singing a song could eradicate world hunger (see also: “We Are the World” and “Hands Across America”).
This song is truly awful, but it does have two good things going for it: 1) it apparently raised a lot of money, so, yay! and 2) the video is unbelievably awesome:
And first, a few notes about the video. It’s a real trip down memory lane seeing some of those faces. Boy George’s shoulder pads are so huge he probably had to turn sideways to get through doorways. The hairstyles are, as always, classic 80s (and I’m personally convinced that the 80s is in a large part responsible for the hole in the ozone layer due to its massive overuse of Aqua Net, and I don’t exclude myself here). George Michael sings, which marks his second appearance on Shelby’s Worst Christmas Songs like. George, just stick to non-holiday music, okay? And even among this group of highly talented and fashionable men, George Michael STILL has the best mullet.
My heart melted a little at the sight of all of the original members of Duran Duran. I went to one of their concerts in the last few years where they’d replaced a few members and oh my god, it was horrible. So seeing Duran Duran in its original configuration was wonderful. Over there on the drums was Phil Collins, which prompted me to think “Dude, he didn’t have any hair all the way back in 1984???” And seriously–Sting? STING! He looks so young! I mean, I know it’s almost 30 years later (!) but Sting looks like a toddler version of himself in this video, and according to my lazy research, he was 33 at the time of taping. It’s awesome to see a young Bono too.
But that’s where my praise of the song ends.
Because really, let’s take a good look at it.
It’s Christmas time
There’s no need to be afraid
At Christmas time
We let in light, and we banish shade
Okay, that’s no so bad.
And in our world of plenty
we can spread a smile of joy
throw your arms around the world
at Christmas time
Yes! Every Christmas I just want to give the whole world a great big hug!
But say a prayer
pray for the other ones
at Christmas time, it’s hard
but when you’re having fun
It’s hard?
There’s a world outside your window
and it’s a world of dreaded fear
Oh god, that’s cheery!
Where the only water flowing
is a bitter sting of tears
Okay, yes, Africa (specifically Ethiopia) was, at the time, experiencing a horrific drought, but Africa is a BIG continent.
And the Christmas bells that ring there
are the clanging chimes of doom
Clanging chimes of doom? Seriously?
Well tonight thank God it’s them
instead of you
Whoa, whoa, whoa–wait a minute here. Thank god it’s them instead of me? Like every year, right after I declare I want to give the whole wide world a big hug, I think “Thank God, there are starving people in Africa…and I’m not one of them!!” yep, that sounds about right.
And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time
the greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Again, Africa = Big Place. There may not be snow in the flat lands of Ethiopia, but that doesn’t mean there’s no snow at all. And isn’t life the greatest gift we ALL get?
Where nothing ever grows
no rain or rivers flow
do they know it’s Christmas time at all?
No rain or rivers flow? Except, like, the NILE??? You know, the longest river in the world? And do they know it’s Christmas? Do YOU know they’re not all Christians?
Here’s to you
raise your glass for everyone
Cheers!
Here’s to them
underneath that burning sun
Cheers!
Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?
The real question is, do they care? No, because they’re all dying.
Feed the world
Let them know it’s Christmas time (repeat several times)
Or, I have an idea–how about we just feed them every day of the year? Like “Hey, here’s some rice, since you’re a human being enduring unimaginable suffering” instead of “Hey, here’s some rice–Merry Christmas!”
Perhaps my favorite part of this whole story is that Bob Geldof, one of the people who wrote the song, now completely hates it. My favorite quote:
He said: ‘I am responsible for two of the worst songs in history. One is Do They Know It’s Christmas? and the other one is We Are The World.
‘Any day soon, I will go to the supermarket, head to the meat counter and it will be playing. Every ****ing Christmas.’
Heh. So why do people keep playing it, and an even bigger question–why do people keep re-recording it???
Now let me say right off the bat that I am a huge John Denver fan. HUGE. I know, right? I think it’s all of those summers spent at Girl Scout camp singing about our Rocky Mountain High or something. Anyway, I love John Denver. So many moons ago when I found a John Denver Christmas album, I was totally excited.
And am still excited, except for one song: Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas.
Now as far as my internet research goes, this song was first recorded by the aforementioned John Denver, although Alan Jackson and at least one other group did a cover.
Which begs the question, why do a cover of THIS?
I mean really–start with the title. Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas. You’d kind of think that this song doesn’t have anywhere to go but up, or maybe it’s a joke song or something, but no, this is about the narrator exhorting his father to not become inebriated this Christmas.
The chorus is:
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Momma cry
Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas
I don’t wanna see my Momma cry
See, the chorus has to repeat itself there, because the first time you hear it you’re like “Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas? I don’t wanna see my Momma cry? Surely I misheard that” but then it’s repeated and no, you haven’t misheard anything.
The song then continues:
Just last year when I was only seven
Now I’m almost eight, as you can see
Funny how eight follows seven, and this is a song and you’re a grown man singing it, so not, I can’t “see” that this year you’re almost eight.
You came home, quarter past eleven
fell down underneath our Christmas tree
Nice. The only thing that would make this better is if Daddy were wearing a Santa suit.
The chorus then continues, carrying on the song and, just in case you might still be doubting what they’re singing, repeats itself.
Momma smiled and looked outside the window
told me “Son, you better go upstairs”
What, the window is going to be some kind of decoy? Obviously the dad’s in the habit of coming home late and passing out drunk underneath the Christmas tree, Easter basket, 4th of July flag, and probably any number of other holidays. So what is Momma doing looking out the window? Searching for Santa? Or maybe the cops?
Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas”
I turned around and saw my Momma’s tears
Okay, for real, dude. Not only are you stumbling into the house in the middle of the night crashing in the living room, you’re then hollering “Merry Christmas” in what could easily be described as the irony of the century in that household, given that the child has now begged you not to do this and predictably, Momma cries, and there’s just no way this is going to be a happy Christmas morning at the rate this is going. I mean seriously, Dad. Couldn’t you just HOLD IT TOGETHER for one night at Christmas?
Then in case you might have forgotten what the song is, the chorus is repeated a couple more times, and that’s the end.
What makes this song so unbelievably baffling is its lack of clues as to its context. Like, “I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas” is supposed to be cute and for kids, and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” while tasteless, is clearly a comedic song, but this one–Denver sings it with a complete straight face in the middle of his Christmas album, nestled right in between “Silver Bells” and “Christmas for Cowboys.” (both of which are perfectly lovely songs, by the way). I mean, we can only hope he was kidding here, but it doesn’t come across that way. It just comes across creepy.
I have now learned that this song is very divisive. People who love it, really love it, and people who hate it, really hate it. Obviously I fall in the latter category. Oddly enough, my very own grandmother loves this song. I think she has fond memories of the time when I was about 10 years old and, along with my cousins, serenaded Grandma with this song.
What was I thinking???
Anyway, there are so many things wrong with this song, it’s best to take it line by line.
The song starts out okay–wait, what am I saying? The song starts out terribly:
Chorus:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
walking home from our house Christmas Eve
you can say there’s no such thing as Santa
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe
Okay, this isn’t going anywhere good. A homicidal Santa in a sleigh pulled by reindeer with a major grudge against the elderly does not bode well.
She’d been drinking too much eggnog
Yet you let her try to walk home alone?
And we begged her not to go
Well it sure doesn’t look like you begged very hard.
But she forgot her medication
so she staggered out the door into the snow
Okay, so we’ve got a drunk, staggering Grandma who forgot her medication, which is so vital it required walking home in a snowstorm. Which then begs the question, should she even be mixing alcohol and that medication in the first place?
When we found her Christmas morning
at the scene of the attack
Not only were you completely ineffective at begging her not to go, you don’t even notice or think to check whether she, like, made it okay? I mean, she staggered out drunk and unmedicated. You’d think that would raise some kind of alarm when she didn’t return.
She had hoofprints on her forehead
So blunt force trauma, then?
And incriminating claws/Claus marks on her back
Seriously, I hate puns.
Then there’s the chorus.
Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa
he’s been taking this so well
sitting in there watching football
drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel
At this point I’m kind of wondering whether Grandma’s untimely departure was actually deliberate. Maybe it’s not Santa who’s the real killer here.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma
all the family’s dressed in black
Oh yeah, NOW you care.
and we just can’t help but wonder
should we open up her gifts or send them back?
Well this seems pretty obvious to me, given a big bunch of people who couldn’t even have bothered to turn around and be like “Hey, has anyone seen Grandma lately?”
And the chorus again.
Now the goose is on the table
and the pudding made of fig
and the blue and silver candles
that would just have matched the hair in Grandma’s wig
So speaking of Grandma’s wig, should we draw lots or play rocks scissors paper for it?
I warned all my friends and neighbors
better watch out for yourselves
they should never give a license
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves
Dude, your grandmother just DIED. Is this REALLY the time for jokes about her murderer?
And then the chorus twice.
The narrator bugs me too. So he’s like a kid (or adult child, whatever) and somehow he and Grandpa are the only ones who believe that Grandma was killed by blunt force reindeer even though they all supposedly found the body the next morning? I just get this image of Grandpa and the narrator with his siblings and cousins. In my head they’re young, and Grandpa’s like “well kids, it must have been Maw Maw’s time to go” and then he’s all telling them about how Santa didn’t even swerve, and the narrator’s like “yeah, yeah, it’s true!” and the other kids are like “Give me a break–you’re just sucking up to Grandpa now that Grandma’s dead.” Boy, that sure gets me into the Christmas spirit.
Now I know this song is supposed to be over-the-top humorous, but I just really hate it.
My Year With The Mouse 